Jay Rege’s Blog

Warning: If you have never been in love before, please do not read this article. I do not want to spoil the fun for you. So go fall in love. When you are done with the falling part, you may come back and read this. For those who have been in love before, you may continue reading.

Falling in love is a beautiful thing. It seriously is. Some say it’s a naturally occurring phenomenon, but I don’t completely agree. You need to put in some efforts. You really need to take that plunge. But whether you take the plunge, or you get pulled or pushed into it, the fall offers an amazing feeling. It changes your world. Everything around you suddenly seems to be perfect, in fact beautiful too. It makes you smile more; sometimes you just can’t stop smiling even when there isn’t anything to smile about. Some lose appetite, some lose sleep, and some lose both. Songs suddenly appear more meaningful. You tend to become a more emotional person. You pride yourself in doing crazy things that under normal circumstances would deserve a “Are you out of your mind?” sort of an expression, but when in love you just don’t care. Your goodbyes on the phone last all night, you travel cross country just to spend a few hours with the one you love, you spend on expensive gifts, you eat things that you hated all your life just because sweetheart loves it. Reasoning and logic don’t apply to you anymore. You attain a state of trance; a euphoric feeling that not ever the finest champagne offers.

The ‘falling in love’ part is always nice; it’s the ‘standing up’ part where the problem lies. After you are done with the falling, there comes a time when you get up, and get on with life. You suddenly get busy with work, friends, family, and all other things that kept you busy before you fell in love. It’s your ‘catching up with life’ phase. That’s when your troubles begin – because when you took the plunge, you took it in tandem with your sweetheart, but when you decided to get up, you stood up alone. That’s when fights happen. You get accused of not being in love anymore. But that really isn’t the case. You are still in love; it’s just that you are no longer falling in love. You are standing in love - and a standing person behaves more sensibly than a falling one. A standing person also expresses his ‘lovely’ feelings less frequently (except when under the influence of alcohol.)

When in love, there are fights and there are break ups. That’s your opportunity to speak your heart out. You say things that you later claim were not meant to be taken the way they sounded. So now you make up. During the make up sessions you agree that nothing is more important than both of you expressing your true feelings, even if they cause conflict. But trust me, this doesn’t work. Things you said rarely get forgotten or accepted. They just get stacked back in memory, only to be used against you at a later time. All those ‘feelings’ and ‘pleasantries’ you had expressed during the fight, get evoked during the next fight. At times your partner’s memory amazes you and you once again get accused of not being in love anymore. But again, that isn’t the case. Just because you fight does not mean you aren’t in love. You are still standing in love and when you have nothing to do while you stand, you sometimes fight.

When you are standing in love, you often come across articles and forwarded emails that try to teach you what love is, what real love is, and what true love is. But I tell you, like those Nigerian emails that promise you a hefty sum of millions of dollars, these mails on love are nothing but crap. Don’t fall for them. They try to hypnotize you with a lot of philosophical bullshit that create an illusion of what love should be, what it actually means, and also how messed up your love life is. Don’t believe them. Just remember two important things. First, that it is okay to fight with the one you love. In fact I would say that a right partner for you is the one whom you don’t mind fighting with. Rest all is just ‘read and forgot’. So go fight it out. And second, and the most important thing, if your sweetheart ever asks you the reason why you love her/him, your answer should always be “because of your Inner Beauty” (even if you don’t have a clue of what it actually means).

To all you parents out there (and to those who intend to be one some day), here is some parenting advice:

Picture this
Scenario 1
Venue: Dining room. Time: 8:00 PM.
- Mom at a dining table - sorting out some bills.
- Her four year old at the table too, playing with dinner (eating some, dropping some)
- Mom goes to kitchen, leaving her bills and cheques on the table.
- Kid gets up from the chair, picks up a pen and draws an apple on mom’s cheque book
- Mom comes back, sees the apple and says “Oh, how cute”. Mom kisses the kid and asks “Did you draw this?” Kid lets out a big smile and a affirmative nod. Mom kisses the kid again and says “Now quickly finish your dinner and I will let you eat a chocolate later”
- Kid gets back to dinner, and mom looks at the apple in admiration

Two weeks later (Scenario 2)
Venue: Same dining room. Time: 8:00 PM.
- Mom again at the dining table - sorting out bills.
- The same four year old is at the table, again playing with dinner (eating some, dropping some)
- Mom goes to kitchen, leaving her bills and cheques on the table.
- Kid gets up from the chair, picks up a pen and this time draws a flower on the cheque book
- Mom comes back, sees the flower and yells “Who asked you to do this? You have started becoming naughtier day by day. Go and finish your dinner” Kid all confused; just stands there staring at mom. Mom shouts again. Kid doesn’t react. Mom gets angrier. Spanks kid. Kid cries. Mom forcibly makes kid sit on the chair and yells “Stop crying and do not get up from there until you finish your dinner”

Now this is what I call good parenting; the key to which lies in the ‘unpredictable behavior’ as a parent

In the above scenario, the kid probably never figures out what went wrong the second time. ‘Why did mom hit me? Last time when I drew the apple, she gave me a chocolate. This time I drew a flower and she hit me. Maybe mom doesn’t like flowers. Maybe she only likes apples. But I can draw a good flower. But I should have drawn an apple’ is what the kid thinks. What the kid doesn’t know is that mom had a bad day at work today, plus the amounts on the bills were higher this time, plus the bills were already a week overdue, plus she had an argument with dad a little while ago, plus the cheque on which the flower was drawn was the last leaf in the cheque book; and hence all the outrage and the spanking. But whatever be the reasons, mom’s actions today will result in making her a good parent.

If you want to be a good parent, be unpredictable. Your kids should never be able to predict your behavior. If they do, then trust me, they will manipulate you left, right, and center. Like it or not, you got to understand and accept the fact that your kids are a lot smarter than you. Now whether you lost your smartness with age, or you never had it in the first place; it doesn’t matter. The bottom line is that you cannot outsmart your kids (they are cunning, opportunistic, and manipulative too). Your only defense against them is the fact that you are a generation older. Hence you have the advantage of being titled as a ‘parent’, and when looked at from a height of just 2.5 ft above ground level, you appear slightly demented and scary as well. But soon your kid will outgrow this inherent advantage that you possess. Then the only weapon that you will be left with will be your ‘unpredictability’. Don’t lose it. Let your kid grow up with the thought that ‘Boy my parents are weird. You never know how they would react to anything’. Only then there are high chances that he or she will turn out to be a good kid.

Finally, spanking your kids is absolutely fine. Let not those parenting magazine and the media make you think otherwise. When your child misbehaves, you may try talking to your kid and see if they listen. But be careful, sometimes the kids answer back and you may trip over their arguments. So it’s best not to waste too much breath, and land up in an embarrassing situation where the kid beats you in an argument. Just hit them. 80% of the parents I know spank their kids. The remaining 20% are liars.

The only time you may run into trouble for spanking your kid is when you have your own parents around. You hit your kid and for some strange reason your parents start behaving as if they are the torch bearers of the ‘Anti Kid Spanking’ movement. If you try reminding them of all the spanking you received as a kid (and as a teen), you will realize that they suddenly suffer from selective amnesia. If not, their explanation would be “That’s because you were a spoilt kid”. But that’s okay. Don’t let their behavior bother you too much. They are just being your ‘parents’; ‘unpredictable’ good parents.