Jay Rege’s Blog

‘Chai-Pani’ – when translated to English means ‘tea and water’. But if you have lived in Mumbai for long, you know exactly what it means. Yes it means ‘bribe’ - especially the petty ones paid to government officials to get things done. We hear about it, we speak about it, we read about it; it’s part of our system and ironically we have accepted it as standard operating procedures. Yet being in a situation where you experience a ‘chai-pani’ moment firsthand, is a feeling quite queer in itself; definitely not a comfortable one for the first timer.

Offering ‘chai-pani’, is not as easy as you think. You don’t just walk up to the officer on duty, put a few 100 rupee notes on his table and say “Here. Take it. I need my job done ASAP”. Just because you are willing to pay, doesn’t make life any easier for you. You still need to follow the rules and procedures. You still need to run from pillar to post, fill out the required forms, wait in queues, and be confronted by rude officials. At some point during this whole running around you even begin to develop this futile hope that maybe you might just be lucky enough to get things done without having to offer any chai or pani whatsoever. But soon you realize that it isn’t your lucky day and parting with your money is inevitable.

Now your greatest fear is how do you make the offer? What if you get arrested during the illegal act? What if, like they show in movies, the officer you are dealing with turns out to be an out right ethical guy who just fumes at the very mention of ‘chai-pani’? What if there is an anti-corruption squad watching your every move, waiting to pounce on you the moment you pull out the cash? It’s a scary thought. But public officers I guess are good mind readers. They understand your anxiety and apprehensions at making a direct offer. Hence after they are done with all the required formalities, in a mellowed tone they put forth their request “Jara humare chai-pani ka bhi dekho saheb”. For the first time you get addressed as ‘saheb’. That’s when you let out a smile, a sigh of relief, and a few hundred bucks and ask “Par kaam ho jayega na?” “100 percent. Aap befikar raho”, comes a prompt assurance.

Now there is ‘chai-pani’ and then there is ‘Settlement’ or ‘Adjustment’. Settlement/adjustment is ‘chai-pani’ given to cover up your mistakes. So making a ‘settlement’ offer is a little more difficult than offering ‘chai-pani’. A few days ago I was caught by a cop for a traffic violation. After checking my driving license and pointing out my mistake (which of course I admitted) the cop said he would give me a traffic violation notice (a ticket). I was fine with that. But then the procedure was a bit skewed. On issuing me the ticket, he said he would withhold my license. Then anytime within the next three days I would have to report at the police station, pay the fine, and collect my license. I tried to argue that I was willing to pay the fine right there, but the cop refused to accept it. Apparently he was not ‘officially’ allowed to accept money, and I was not in the mood to make any ‘unofficial’ contributions to his kitty. But the problem with the whole procedure was that, to collect my license I had to visit a police station close to the place where I had committed the offence – which was unfortunately an hour’s drive from where I live. Which meant, the next day, I had to drive an hour each way just to pay the fine and get my license back. So finally I decided to go in for the ‘settlement’ route.

“Kuch settlement nahi ho sakta hain kya?” was my benign request. My request brought about a complete change in his demeanor, transforming him from a tough cop to a friendly gentleman. For the first time I saw a smile on his face, which was a good enough indication that he too preferred a ‘settlement’. So looking around, and ensuring that nobody was watching us, I pulled out my wallet. But the moment I opened my wallet, I realized that I only had a 500 rupee note in there. That was way too much a price to pay for ‘settlement’ and I didn’t know if it was appropriate to ask for change in such situations. But left without a choice, hesitatingly I put forth my concern. “Saheb, chutta nahi hain” I said as I showed him the lone 500 rupee note I had. But that didn’t bother him at all. He patiently pulled out his wallet, drew four hundred rupee notes and handed them over to me as he pocketed the 500 rupee one. The ‘settlement’ was complete and I drove away from the crime scene.

But the settlement actually doesn’t end there. Your guilt, your conscience, your so called ethics do not let you get off that easily. But then you try to console yourself: the poor cop is anyways overworked and underpaid; toils all day in the hot sultry weather bearing all the noise and the pollution; probably my 100 rupee would be spent towards fulfilling a need that he or his family has been waiting for long. You try to justify your actions with thoughts like these, as you constantly look back in the rear view mirror to ensure that you are not being followed by an anti corruption squad :)

Recently I happened to be at the airport to pick up a friend. When he arrived, I casually asked him “So, how was your flight?” “Oh it was pathetic” was his instant answer. “The food was bad, seats all crammed up, they showed some horrible movies, the airhostesses wouldn’t even smile and were rude; terrible service, I tell you” were details of his in-flight saga. I just smiled; with a sort of ‘Yup I know; they are all the same’ kind of an expression as we drove away. My friend’s complaints weren’t unheard of before. In fact, you ask any air traveler about his/her in-flight experience and you will hear a similar list of complaints. For some odd reason, when it comes to in-flight service, our expectations are always sky high. Not just that, when in a flight we transform into a totally different person. It’s as if, once inside an aircraft, we all experience split personality disorder.

We eat crappy meals day in day out, but at 10,000 ft above ground level we expect nothing but gourmet. We don’t care if our friends, family, or co-workers never smile at us (and it doesn’t bother us that they haven’t done so for years), but from the airhostess we still expect a kind of warm welcoming smile as if we were the only love of her life. And we expect her to be pretty as well (now this expectation is not just that of the male travelers, even the female travelers prefer pretty airhostesses). Most of us pride ourselves on having developed the knack of squeezing our way through crowded buses and packed trains, or being a group of 12 crammed up in an 8 seater vehicle (especially on long journeys), but in an aircraft we all need our space and leg room. We may not have read a book or a magazine or even glanced at a newspaper for ages, but not finding the in-flight magazine and a newspaper in the seat compartment ahead of us makes us restless (and it bothers us even more if the person at the end of the aisle gets one). We see crappy movies all the while, but we get really turned off if the airline shows us one. We don’t care to check if a life jacket actually exists under our seat, but we definitely ensure that our puke bag is intact. We keep a close eye on the flight staff and scrutinize their every move; the only time we ignore them is when they demonstrate flight safety procedures. In life, for meeting, for appointments, we are often late and never in a hurry to get anywhere. The only time we hurry up is when its time to get off the plane (as if the last one to leave would be asked to clean the aircraft). We rarely call friends or family to update them about our whereabouts, but the moment the flight lands we just can’t wait for it to come to a complete halt to switch on our phones and let everyone know that we ‘just landed’.

Fortunately, we all get back to normalcy once we get out of the aircraft. The only thing we do is complain about the pathetic in-flight service and that too just amongst friends. We don’t go about the expecting those same levels of service from others in our life. We get back to our day to day life (crappy food, unsmiling faces, rude gestures and so on) without paying heed to much of it – until we get into a flight again. That’s when again our expectation levels shoot up, our priorities change, and we exhibit a totally different demeanor. We once again crave for attention and we once again demand all that pampering. And we also love that tiny little spotlight in a dimly lit plane and the fan that we can control – because for most of us that’s probably the only time we get to be in ‘spotlight’ and have a dedicated ‘fan’ as well :)

I have always been nice to telemarketers. Whenever a telemarketer calls, I listen; and I listen with great interest. If I am busy, I politely request them to call me back at a later time. If I am free to talk, I patiently listen to their entire pitch and sometimes even ask questions about whatever they are trying to sell me. Eventually I, again in all politeness, decline their offer. Anyways the point is that I have never been rude to a telemarketer. I understand that after all it’s their job to call people, and trust me it’s not an easy one. They call and pester people like you and me, only because they are paid to do so. It’s nothing personal. But like they say, everything and everybody has a breaking point and I finally hit mine. After years of being patient and tolerant with telemarketers, I finally snapped.

Recently, on a not so busy morning, I got this call from a telemarketer from ‘The C____ Club’. He claimed that I had won their lucky draw (which I didn’t know I had even participated in), and the prize was a 7 day 6 nights absolutely free stay for me and my family at their five star resort in Goa. I was really excited when I heard that, but my skeptical mind found it a little hard to believe. So I clarified, not once but twice, “Is it absolutely free? Are you sure?”. “Yes Sir, it is absolutely free for two adults and two kids for 7 days and 6 nights” he reassured me “but we wont for your travel” he clarified. I was okay with that. Then he verified my address and other details so that he could mail me the offer and I thought we were done with the call. Just as I was about to hang up and celebrate my winning, the caller interrupted “Thanks for accepting the gift Sir. I would now like to tell you the terms and conditions of this offer”.

Why should everything come with terms and conditions? I hate terms and conditions. I even hate that tiny asterisk * that comes invariably with all offers which says ‘Terms and Conditions Apply’. Why can’t there be unconditional offers? Before I could say anything he continued “Sir, the offer includes only boarding, and does not include food. You will have to pay for the meal plans”. “Oh, okay” I said, but I was already feeling a little disappointed, “…and..?” I prompted “..and Sir we won’t pay the taxes” he added. “That’s okay, I don’t like to pay taxes either” was my instant response. “No Sir, you will have to pay for the taxes and the meal plans and the total amount would come to Rupees Eleven Thousand Six hundred …bhal blah..” I was now losing my patience with this guy. It was apparent that the so called free offer was not actually free. But somehow my mind was still unwilling to accept it. There is always this hope, you see. I like free stuff and I just couldn’t let it go that easily. So I began to negotiate “Well you see, I don’t think we would like to stay in Goa for 7 days. Why don’t we do this – Why don’t we cut down the free stay to just 3 days and use the money from the balance stay to pay for the taxes and meal plans?” I thought he would say “Wow, what an idea Sirji !”, but instead he chuckled and said “But the stay is anyways free sir, and even if you stay for lesser days, you will still have to pay the entire amount of taxes”. I don’t know if it was his chuckle or his explanation, but I couldn’t stand him any longer “Then why did you earlier say it was all FREE? I had even asked you twice if it was really FREE and you said yes” My voice by now was raised enough, that everyone at home was staring at me. But that didn’t bother me and I continued my yelling “Do you even understand the meaning of FREE? FREE means NO Money - Zero money. You can’t say free and then ask for money. That’s wrong. That’s cheating. I am not interested in your club or your offer and I am never ever going to stay at your club’s resorts. And you know what - Forget free. Even if you actually pay me and beg me to stay at your resorts, I am not going to stay there. And don’t ever call me again”. Without giving him a chance to respond, I just hung up the phone.

I think I sounded like a teenager breaking up with her boyfriend, because she caught him cheating on her. I was angry, emotional, sad, frustrated, and to add to it, by now my entire family was laughing like crazy. “Why do you even talk to those people? I have told you so many times to just say ‘not interested’ and disconnect the phone. They are all cheats” were my dad’s words of wisdom. Maybe dad is right, but I just can’t do that. What if the club guy was genuine? What if he was different? Plus I thought I had really won. I thought maybe this time I was really lucky. And he did say it was all free. How do I know that like everybody else, he too was only after my money? Anyways, I will be careful the next time onwards; especially with those who try to sell me free stuff.

PS: I am still nice to those telemarketers who call to ‘sell’ me stuff and don’t disguise them as freebies.